3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
