she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Randomize
