I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
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