i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I skipped work to stalk him.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
