i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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