i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
