I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
