hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
