I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
How external is "for external use only"?
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
