Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
