In the future we'll all be gay
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
