There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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