I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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