I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
