i think i have two assholes
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
