M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
