so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize
