i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
the day after is always just damage control
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
So many bounce houses so little time
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
