i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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