there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
