Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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