Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
He better not be in your backpack
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
