I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
