Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
