My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
