I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
