Only a mothe r could love this liver
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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