If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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