how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
