Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
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having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
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Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
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