this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
