How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
