seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
