tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
