When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
