Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
high people should be assigned attendants
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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