new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
