i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
