i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
