My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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