why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
