She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
