I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
That's when you crack a 10am beer
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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