He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
