fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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