He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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