Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
