Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
