The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
