I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
She's the barista slut.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
