I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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