I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
