just tell him i said nine months
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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