It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
