Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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