This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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