new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
