If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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