so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
