This girl is more easily done than said...
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
