I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
We have started to decorate penises.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
