i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
