You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
