Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
