Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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