This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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