Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
